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Student body protests upcoming Vampiric Council security measures

Submitted by Caleb Mitchell on March 30, 2014 – 10:26 pmNo Comment


The UALR Vampiric Council stirred up campus-wide controversy last week when newly appointed official Dr. Acula announced plans to build a giant wall around the campus. The wall will be inlaid with silver and will have several gates serving as entrances along the wall. These gates will be constructed entirely from silver and those seeking admittance onto the premises will be required to undergo a blood test before they are allowed to enter.

These changes are the first part of the Council’s new campaign, the Student Initiated Lawfully Vindicated Existential Regime Based Upon Lestat’s Lycanthropic Extermination Theory, a movement that seeks to ultimately eradicate the presence of werewolves on and around the campus in the name of student safety, claiming that humans and vampires have the right to a safe and worry-free college experience.

Though Dr. Acula was unavailable for comment, UVC Vice President Orlok said that the movement came about as a result of numerous complaints from UALR students in regards to the recent number of werewolves seen on or near the campus, and the influx of werewolf-related crimes. “Students expect to be safe when they come to our campus,” Orlok said, “and those expectations have been shattered within the past several months due to the increasing – and alarming – number of these beasts that have been found lurking amongst our student body.”

While many students are grateful for the security measures being put in place, others see the whole process as a huge inconvenience, or worse, an outright scam. Van Heavenhum, President of the UALR Keep Our Campus Supernatural Free club, said he thinks the gate is simply another way that the recently-established UVC is trying to sink its fangs deeper into the neck of the student body. “If it was just the gate, I’d be a little less skeptical about the whole idea,” Heavenhum said. “As it stands, the fact that they’re requiring a blood test is just ridiculous – the Council swore to us that they would never consume the blood of students, but I find it hard to believe that they’re using these samples for ‘research purposes.’ Come on, can you people not see what’s going on here?!”

Heavenhum’s sentiments are shared by others on campus, such as sophomore woodcarving major and cheerleader Duffy Winters. Despite having a vampire boyfriend, Winters is an outspoken protestor of having a ruling assembly of vampires at the university and says that those who can’t see past the Council’s ploy are “blind, blissfully ignorant fools.” “Do we not give up enough for this university as it is?” Winters said. “First they take our hard-earned dollars, then they take the garlic from our cafeteria, and now they need our blood, too?”

Orlok dismisses all such comments, saying the blood tests are a vital part of the process to ensure that no more werewolves slip undetected onto the campus. “The blood test is an absolutely necessary part of the program,” Orlok said. “We are taking every possible precaution to protect our students and they need to realize that.”

However, as controversial as these upcoming changes may be, the UALR Vampiric Council currently has no plans to change them. The silver gates are expected to be up and running by the end of the semester, with everything necessary for the blood tests to be completed shortly after. For more information, please contact UVC secretary Barny Collins.

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